The 3 Reasonables

My thoughts on handling confrontation

This is going to be a short post, in the spirit of some messages I want to leave for my son. I’ve said this to him before, and I say it to myself a lot.

The topic is confrontation — or really any situation where two people have to come to an agreement. Like a lot of things in life, some people are just naturally good at it. I had to learn, and I’ll describe how.

The formula I came up with is simple. I call it the three reasonables: if you make a reasonable request, to a reasonable person, in a reasonable way, you will usually get what you want.

But you have to be honest about all three. Is what you’re asking for actually reasonable? Depending on the situation, it may or may not be. Are you dealing with a reasonable person? This matters especially in heightened situations — even ones where things might turn physical. You have to be clear-eyed about who you’re dealing with. And finally, are you making the request in a reasonable way? If you’re both shouting, neither of you is.

That’s why I think it’s so important to learn to control your emotions — anger and fear especially. They make people behave unreasonably. And honestly, that third reasonable was the hardest one for me. I’d get emotionally triggered, fear would follow, and fear would turn to anger. Anger, as neuroscience tells us, puts blinders on you. It cuts off the part of your brain that’s actually equipped to handle the situation. And then you’re no longer reasonable.

That’s my thought on confrontation — on situations where you have to hold your own